Body Image

I just watched one of make-up guru I follow on Youtube talking about body image. She has a very skinny body, much like I am kkk.. As a make-up guru on Youtube she often gets bad comments about her body, face, etc, which is, sadly, pretty normal because some people just like to bash on others.

Her video reminds me of my own struggle accepting who I am and what I have. I was born as a skinny girl, I'm naturally have small frame and I cannot gain weight no matter how much I eat. I have to admit, I'm not much an eater, but I don't do diet whatsoever. I eat what I want to eat at anytime I want. I drink milk, eat all kind of fatty food that some people avoid because they say it'll make them gain weight, but those food has no effect on me whatsoever kkk..

For so many years everytime I meet new people their first comment is always, 'why so skinny?'. When I was little, I didn't know what to answer for that kind of question, because that's just who I am. How do you answer a question asking, why you are you?

It doesn't stop there because I have mean and heartless people as my family who knows me since I was born, knew that I am like this since I was practically a baby, and still asking the same question like every people that I just met, 'why are you so skinny?', 'why can't you gain weight?'
They even give me names because of my body, from pencil stick, broom stick, grasshopper, and all things skinny. It hurts, especially when you were just 5 year old and you don't understand why your supposedly closest people can't accept you for who you are.

The hurt feelings built up for years until about 9 years ago when I finally feel I have enough of their constant fret telling me to eat more. I told myself, I can be like other people too, have perfect body and gain more weight. I go to a doctor and failed because his program and medicine clashed with my schedule. I just entered college and so busy that I don't have time to follow the doctors program. And then his medicine turned to have bad effect on me because I couldn't follow the program. I got some stomach disorder that goes on for years after that. But I still refuse to give up because I've spend a lot of money going to that doctor, I didn't want it to go to a complete waste. So I started my own program and practically killing myself trying to gain weight. It worked, but I don't feel happy at all, because I pushed myself to eat, eating is not fun anymore. Eat time is like punishment time, I started to hate rice, even the smell of it makes me wanna throw up but I keep push myself to eat cause I don't want to lose weight.

I live that hell life for about 4 years. One day I got a very bad acnes all over my face. I have a very oily and acne prone skin every since junior high school. Beside my weight my family also always fret about my imperfect skin, so one day they told me to go to a dermatologist, which gave me disaster. Their products and treatments made my face breaking out all over so I had to find another dermatologist. This one told me I have to go on a diet, avoid anything with fat in it. This diet made me lost 10 kg in two weeks, 10 kg that I fought for 4 years. I cried so bad, my 4 years effort gone in a matter of two weeks.

After a while, my skin got better and I gained back about 3-4 kg and stopped there. I'm still skinny, much skinnier than most people but I feel so much better. I don't have to make myself eat more than I can take and I stopped listening to my family and other people bad comments about how I look, how much I weight and my acnes.

Back to this make-up guru video, she said that most people feel its harsh to tell overweight person that they're fat, but they feel ok to tell underweight person that they're very skinny. I think, lets just admit it, overweight people are more common these days, probably 7 out of 10 people are a little too chubby kk..
When you say that you can't gain weight, most people won't believe you because most people don't know. They keep saying that skinny people is like sick people. Well guess what, being over weight is even more dangerous. Not all skinny people is anorexic or on drugs. I'm healthy, I don't do drugs or smoke, never in life I touch those stuff nor I plan to, and I never trying to throw up what I eat or feel that I'm too fat while I'm not. I'm very conscious that I'm skinny but I'm healthy and I feel comfort with my body like this. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, I still struggle everyday with my acne, but that's ok, because that's just life. Not everyone is blessed with perfect body and perfect skin. It is hard to accept who you are, especially when people around you keep telling you that you're not perfect, but its not impossible. If the people around you can't accept you for who you are, find people who can, and the most important thing is just love yourself. Be a little selfish if you need to kkk~

In my case, I found kind people as friends who accept me no matter how I look. God created you your family, but thank God, you can always choose your friends. Believe me, there are people who can see things beyond looks.